I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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