She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Randomize
