people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
whose ass print is on the piano?
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
