I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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