i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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