I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
i need an iv and a liver transplant
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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