It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
