I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
