My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
