I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Randomize
