Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
