Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Randomize
