i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
