Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
scale of 1-10 how well do I give head
5, but i have never had a 10. best was an 8 so if i grade you on a curve you are a 7. ish.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
