You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Randomize
