i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
