Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
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