i already hear my dad disowning me
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Randomize
