apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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