I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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