4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
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