This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
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