On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Randomize
