Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
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