Your favorite bartender is back from prision
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
