Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
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