Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
