Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Randomize
