I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
jump out the window naked night went bad
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
