just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Randomize
