So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
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