I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
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