dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Everyone says I win the strip club
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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