Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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