Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
Randomize