Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I supernannyed him into submission
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
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