I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
