Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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