Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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