I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
