Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
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