My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
