I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
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