I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize