my mouth tastes like poor choices
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then