i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.