life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you