Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
You can't just leave with hair like that
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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