I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Randomize
