hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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