Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
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