btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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