He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
