There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
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