I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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