You smell like stripper and shame
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
