When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
