It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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