he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Vodka?
Forever.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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