Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
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