Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
